Fruit of the Spirit

"But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfullness, gentleness, and self-control. Against such there is no law." Galations 5:22-23

I have been looking at my life lately and looking specifically at the love, joy, peace, and longsuffering I believe I possess. 

At times I have found myself feeling guilty about the Peace and Joy I feel in my life with the tragic events of the last year +. We are moving further and further away from the actual happenings, the actual horrible events, and somehow my life continues. 

I feel this remarkable JOY and PEACE in my life. Why......By worldly standards there is NO REASON for me to have ANY joy left. Dylan and Judah are both GONE, there is no way for me to ever see them again (at least not here on earth and in this life time).
 I have spent time feeling guilty for feeling peace. What kind of a mother holds two of her precious sons, watches them take their last breaths, and a year later has ANY peace or joy in her life. 
BUT then I look at this verse, Galatians 5:22-23. The fruit of the spirit is JOY, is Peace, is LOVE.......Why do I feel this peace, it is a promise from GOD. He has given me the PEACE THAT PASSES ALL UNDERSTANDING (including my own)........ 
There is NO law against such things, feeling this peace, joy, and love, these positive feelings, there is NO law against this. These are GIFTS from God to comfort me, and to remind me that HE IS right there beside me. That HE first LOVED me, that his love is amazing, and that HE comforts those who mourn. 

I don't understand how it all works. I barely believe it is working (I mean that there can be any comfort at all after losing a child), BUT IT IS WORKING, HE IS REAL, and it is the ONLY explanation for why I can feel peace after loosing my first born son, a son I held and nursed as an infant, a son who because of his life, I came to know Christ, as son, who loved me and his daddy (and na na) with everything he had. A son who could not understand what was happening to him. A son whose JOY far surpassed my own. A son who I had to discipline, and comfort. A child who I was so close to that my heart beat in the same rythm as his. 

HOW can I feel JOY ever again in my life? 

Because Jesus has promised me the fruit of the spirit, and that includes JOY, PEACE, and LOVE. 

Thank you LORD for giving me this amazing comfort, for providing your love, and for modeling to me how to respond to hardships.

Carefree, NEVER again

I no longer know the joys of living a "carefree", "all is well life".

Just another thing to mourn in this never ending grieving process.  I will never again look at the world through the naive glasses with rose colored all is well lenses. 

Now as I grow in my walk with Jesus and He reveals to me more of his love and kindness towards me, I am feeling heavy hearted for others. 

The pain and grief I feel for those who are offered the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ and choose to walk away. Those who may not fully understand the implications of the choices they make.  Oh please don't get me wrong. Everyone has equal opportunity to come to Jesus, to chose to follow him. WE ARE ALL offered this precious gift. BUT the saddest thing about this gift is that some will chose to refuse. My heart, my soul, every ounce of my being aches for those that refuse to accept the love of their savior. 

I am looking around this world and I see primarily bad things happening.  The news is filled with heart crushing stories, about theft, vandalism, child abuse, murder, rape, and the list goes on and on. So much so that I don't even own a TV, much less watch the news. I do keep up on things, but by reading the news articles on the CNN web pages, or listening to the radio. BUT that is not my point. 

The point is that it is becoming increasingly harder to find any good in this world. The more I look around the more I feel sad and my soul almost tortured by the evil in this world. Most of the time the people doing it don't even see it as wrong.  They don't see the danger in taking a few drinks and going out for a drive, after all they can "handle their alcohol" unlike those other "lightweights". Or on a lesser obvious point, I will be OK if I don't do what I promised, "Johny will understand that I just have to work late". Oh that seems like such a small sin. Not even like a sin at all, after all we do need to pay the bills. BUT IT IS A SIN if it is breaking a promise. Where is your heart on the issue? The parent of Johny has just sent their son a message that work is more important than the promise they made to their child, and even more important than their relationship with that child.  

OK, I don't totally know where I am going with this, except to say that much of the sins and the evil in this world are  not even recognized by the world as sin. 

There is no such thing as carefree living. Maybe as a teenager, or in the college days we feel carefree and like we are invincible, BUT we not not. Those carefree thoughts can lead us down a VERY bad road. We can fall so far off the track that we can't even see the way out of the pit. 

As a believer I look at the world and I grieve for the state of the world. God never intended the world to be like this. All these bad things to happen. This was not His goal. But once sin entered the world he made a way for us to be saved from our sin. ONLY ONE WAY, and that is to trust in Jesus Christ and follow Him as your Lord and Savior. 

This is not simply muttering some words that you speak after another person (saying a prayer), but TRUE genuine repentance. ASKING GOD to forgive your sins.  I look around and I have talked to and I see so many people that claim to be saved, that put up an "oh I know Jesus attitude", but when you get right down to it, they are doing what they want to do with out any repentance or regard to how much their actions grieve their Lord and Savior. They seem to walk obvilious to what HIS plan is for them. "Well, I probably should (fill in the blank), but I really enjoy it. " WE hide behind the fact that something feels good so it must be right. We fail to STOP our wrong actions and TURN from that SIN, More importantly to TURN TO GOD, to Jesus. (after all we can't stop doing x,y,z on our own anyways, it is Gods love mercy and grace that HELPS us through it. IT is the heart change that he allows. 

I have spent many hours talking with some one who says will say things like "But I thought that once you are saved you are always saved", and "if that person means it in their heart then they are  saved, AND "It takes time to change the bad habits" These are genuine questions, and they are TRUE to an extent. 

Yes once you are saved you are always saved, nothing can pluck you from HIS HAND. BUT that is NOT a license to go running around doing what you want and not searching to learn more about the holy spirit, reading your bible daily, etc. Once some one is saved they are saved FOREVER, BUT we have a responsibility to keep ourselves clean through DAILY repentance. WE ALL SIN DAILY......EVERY DAY....IF we don't DAILY confess these sins they will fester and cause us to loose fellowship with our Father. (NOT SALVATION, BUT FELLOWSHIP). You see, if you think of it in earthly terms, your mother or father will always be your mother or father. There is NOTHING that can change that relationship, BUT if you.....Lets say steal your moms mercadies and wreck it, YOU will BE IN BIG trouble. Does that mean she doesn't love you anymore, NO, BUT you better believer there will be some consequences for your actions, and probably some anger/bad feelings between the two of you for awhile. Your fellowship is broken. How can that fellowship be fixed? By REPENTING, by confessing, yes mom it was me who stole your car and wrecked it, I am sorry (and genuinely meaning it and having learned your lesson that you will NEVER make that mistake again. Her heart is likely to soften at the apology and though she may not trust you 100% for a while (ie locking up her keys), your relationship is likely to be mended and healed over time. How does this relate to God? Well he is the same way. ONCE we confess our sins to him our fellowship is IMMEDIATELY restored. Unlike with our human relationships we are immediately forgiven and loved. Will he still allow us to suffer the consequences of our actions? You better believe it, but will he "disown us" NEVER!

I don't know why I went in that direction on here except to say that my heart is so grieved for this unrepentant world. Not that I am better than anyone, these are lessons I am just now expirenceing in my life, and some things I have just been noticing in the world. 

I have already been on the other side, FINALLY coming to true heart felt repentance, and NOW I am looking at the world through the eyes of Jesus, Through the eyes of someone so in love with the people he created who wants to help SO badly, but can only  help those that are willing to accept my help. Can only make a difference if GOD leads me there in the first place.  I want to save the world, ONLY that job has already been taken. Jesus is the Savior of the world, I am merely HIS servant.

If you don't know Jesus as your PERSONAL savior, please consider asking him to save you from your sins, confess them to him and ask him to wash you clean with his blood. The journey WILL NOT BE EASY, That I can promise you, BUT it will be WELL worth the efforts. 

Come to Jesus and LIVE! 

We can CHOOSE!!!

So I feel this uncontrollable urge to write. I don't have a title planned or anything specific to say. I just need to write. I have been wasting time and trying to avoid the pain and joy of writing. What a crazy statement to make! How can one activity bring pain and joy at the same time? Well, I think my writing forces me to think about the last year, and specifically the early part of the last year (November 2008-April 2009), which brings all sorts of pains to my mind and heart. BUT it also forces me to think about those days prior to November of last year, and the days past April 2009.......I am forced to admit to myself the way God has changed me. My thought process, my daily life, my love for Him and My reliance on Him. Good has come with the bad. As a matter of fact I can almost go so far as to say the good outweighs the bad. I think that is a pretty bold statement when you look at this world and even at each individuals pains throughout life.

We all have struggles, disasters, and well just plain hard times in this life. No matter what we do their will be good and bad times, Ups and downs in life. We can't control those ups and downs. BUT we can control how we respond those ups and downs (well to a certain extent). Yes we can choose our response to the situations we are presented with.

So lets say you have just received some devastating news about a loved one, some one you are close to. The doctors says their is nothing they can do to help them, the diagnosis, is pending death, you know the story x amount of months to live. How do you respond?

First there is a definite time of shock, disbelief, and fear. The questions begin to fill your mind. How could you let this happen God? Or What kind of a God would allow a child to suffer like this? And it is ok to question. No sin has been committed at this point. We are human and entitled to a human, emotional response. The shortest verse in the bible says, "Jesus wept". In his humanness he wept. He was sad for the loss of his dear friend Lazereth.

The next part of the journey is when a choice must be made with our attitudes, etc.......

We can choose to stop living life. To roll over and die with our loved one, to give up. What is the point of living? There is NO way I can ever be happy again. I will never be the same. Life ended when I received the bad news. Lets all throw a huge pity party and stay there......This does not seem like a good response. What will happen if this is the way it ends for the receiver of the bad news. BITTERNESS, HOPELESSNESS, NEVER ENDING SADNESS......

Another response could be Anger. So much hurt is inside the person is ready to explode. They begin to "pop off" with rude, and hurtful comments at every turn. Why should I be nice to anyone? The world owes me because I was so hurt when my precious someone became ill........Result.....no one enjoys being around an angry person. They begin to avoid you. OR to tiptoe around you so you don't become angry..... and explode at them. NOT SO FUN for everyone else, and eventuality a loneliness for you.....

Avoidance, I will just pretend it did not happen. Instead of facing my emotions and pain, I will bottle it up, lock it away, and never speak of my loved one again. They are not here anymore so what is the point of bringing up all those painful memories anyways....LIFE GOES ON, GET OVER IT......problem......the person has NEVER allowed healing to come to their wounds. They have just pretended they never felt any pain in the first place.

Here is a real life example: My little brother has a tendency to find accidents that injure him. Numerous times in his life he has broken different parts of his body, gotten burned, or deep cuts....I think these types of injuries just sort of go with being a growing man.....BUT here is where the difference comes in. One time he was doing jumps on his bike and fell and broke his arm...so what many people break their arms....sure, BUT if I remember right, he did not tell anyone for some time. I think several days. As the DAYS passed his pain grew and grew until it was unbearable. He finally had no choice but to tell our parents and go to the doctors. Once at the hospital they were able to give him some pain medicine to keep him comfortable  until they could do the surgery he needed to have the bones set back into place. His healing was not able to begin until he was willing to ask for help. And even though the healing did not begin the MOMENT he asked for help (my mom still had to get him ready and take him to the ER, do x-rays, prescribe medicine, etc), Help was on its way the moment he asked.

Don't we often do the same thing with our Heavenly Father? OH, ok Lord, this doesn't really hurt that bad. I will just wait for it to go away. The pain is NOT there, its not there, its not there. I am not going to ask for help because it will go away if I pretend I did not fall..............Then months or years later, we realize the PAIN is getting worse, it is eating us alive, and we are drowning in the pain to the point we can't do anything else in life because the pain is so intense. So we finally cry out to God and say, "Daddy, I think I broke my heart!!! It REALLY hurts, please take me to the Emergency Room and start the healing process, I am willing to do what ever you ask now". And he lovingly begins to prepare us to receive his healing. He doesn't tell us how we should have asked for help sooner, or that we really messed up by trying to do stunts in the parking lot....He just holds us, and loves us, while he preforms x-ray, and surgery to remove our bad spots and replace it with His love. You see Healing begins when we ask for help. And there is NO HELP like that we get from our God!!!!

Ok, so back to my original storyline. So we can have many different responses, and for the most part we chose those responses. NOW, I will admit that sometimes we loose control of our emotions or things are so CRAZY, that there is no appropriate response. BUT let me also say we all have a GREAT GOD available to us. He is so amazing and so wonderful, loving, great, Take all the GOOD you can think of and multiply it by infinity, and that is how wonderful our  God is.........SO, our initial response is human, but if we have been following him our response can be to trust him and to draw ever closer to him. Our goal can be to simply let him control it, instead of trying to handle it ourselves, or to make things better.

We can begin to resolve to GLORIFY GOD no matter WHAT, TO Praise His NAME, no matter what, to TRUST Him, and HIS plan. No matter how badly it hurts right now, healing will come. And once the surgery is preformed and the cast is placed, it will still take TIME for the bones to heal back together, or the wound to close, but IT WILL HEAL, and when it does heal it will have Christ inside, a battle wound, showing our endurance, and perseverance, and never ending determination to CHOOSE to LOVE OUR GOD!!!

We are the Lords Witnesses and Servants!

"You are my witnesses," declares the Lord, "and my servant whom I have chosen, so that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he. Before me no god was formed, nor will there be one after me." Isiah 43:10 

I am in my second week of studying Beth Moore's "Breaking Free". Isaiah 43:10 is the memory verse this week, so I thought I would write out some of my personal thoughts and use this blog to further my meditation on this verse.

The beginning of the verse says "You are my witnesses". That is WE are called to witness for the Lord. Each of us, once we have accepted the gift of salvation, has been called to be a witness to the Lord. To tell others who he is.

I was thinking of the court system. It is not enough for one person to say "I witnessed a crime" and here are the facts of what happened. The officer will take down the information and record what the witness says, but the accused will likely say they were not involved and the officer will have to take that person at their word. It is not until there is EVIDENCE mounting up against the accused that a case can be formed and have the potential to hold up in a court of law. OR multiple people present the same story, preferably people that were EYE WITNESSES.

NOW, lets take back to this verse and the beginning statement, You are my witnesses. We all have a responsibility to tell others about Jesus and what he has done for us. The person we are telling (keeping with the above analogy) is sort of a judge. They make the determination to accept Jesus or to deny him. BUT when that person hears multiple testimonies about what Jesus has done, and who he is, the EVIDENCE begins to build for Jesus in that persons heart. The person is likely to be especially moved when the person is an EYE WITNESS to what Jesus has done.

As witnesses, we are called to tell others, more than just verses from the bible. We need to make it personal for the people we are telling. To describe the good news of Jesus is just the begining, the other half of the story is that he is a living God and is capable of breaking us free from our chains. If we trust in Him we can have life, here on earth more abundantly.

As Christians it is not enough to be saved....yes it is WONDERFUL to be saved and there is rejoicing in heaven each time a new soul comes to know the Lord, BUT our life here on earth can become abundantly full and more than we ever expected if we LEARN to follow HIM, and TRUST him.. We need to be a witness to others about WHO HE IS!

And my servants who I have chosen.....

The Lord has CHOSEN us to serve him. We are not only called to be a witness to what he has done for us and who he is, but also to be his servants. We are called to act in ways that are honoring to our Lord. Each and everyday we are called to live a life serving him, and to further his kingdom and his glory. We cannot allow our selfish desires and human imperfections, our failures, to keep us from serving. God has gifted each of us with the ability to serve him. We all have something we are good at and we can chose to use that talent to glorify him, or we can let it go stagnant and unused.

I believe it is a shame to let our GOD GIVEN talents go to waste. We are each a part of the body of Christ. And WHEN we are in obedience to him there will be opportunities to use the talents he has given us.A word of caution here, it is not our responsibility to do everything that needs to be done in the church or others areas of life, ONLY to do that which GOD has called us to do. I can't express the importance of choosing ONLY the responsibilities God has called us to do. This may mean we have to say "No" occasionally, or possibly often. When we are asked to do something we need to PRAYERFULLY consider what  God wants us to do before we accept or decline.

so that you may know and believe me

and understand that I am he

Before me no God was formed, nor will there be one after me

Growth through Prayer

Sometimes God allows us to go down, so we are forced to rely on him to get back up again. In the last few months I have struggled with my feelings. Why have all these bad things happened? Why would a loving God allow these things to happen to a "good" person like myself? I have found myself, at times, unable to pray.

I have been a Christian for only 5 years, but still to not know how to pray.....How could that have happened? It is not that I have never said a  prayer. I pray all the time. I ask God for things and I pray before meals, and bedtime. I talk to him while I am driving down the road....but lately something just seemed to be missing in my prayer life.

I had the honor last weekend of attending a womens conference at a local church. On Friday night I found myself feeling inferior. I was jealous of some of the other women and unable to relate to them or my God. I felt unworthy, unable. I tried to find my worship zone. To give everything I had to God, but something kept me from it.

I came home that night, somehow bitter and feeling farther away from God. That is not how we are suppose to feel after  a night of worship and biblical inspirational lecture.....What was wrong with me?

I began to examine my heart.....and to PRAY! Lord help me. I just needed him to be with me, to bless the weekend, to teach me something from his word. To show me what I am lacking and to minister, personally to me.

WELL, let me just say that our God ALWAYS comes through. The next morning I was hesitant to go back, but curious enough to see what God would do, that I climbed out of bed and made it, just in time.

I needed to shot a roll of film for my photo class, so I brought my camera thinking the conference could be a good place to take photos. As I pulled outside of the church I saw a large white cross (it was there the night before, but I REALLY noticed it on Saturday morning). I grabbed my camera and took several photos of the cross with a desire to "momumentalize" it in the photos.

I took the camera in with me and found it to be a unique conversation starter. Friday night part of the reason I felt so insecure and jealous is because the conversations usually began with how many children we have, or grandchildren, and because of my history I was not yet ready to answer such personal questions, or tell the story OVER AND OVER again. So the camera became the focus of my conversation with other women. No one had to feel sorry for me. No one had to help me or have the right words, just to TALK with me and LOVE on me as a sister in Christ considering joining their church. WONDERFUL feeling for me!

As the morning continued I found an area of worship. I was no longer there to socialize or to meet the women at the church. I was there for the purpose of GOD, to honor him and to worship him. There was still confusion in my mind and some of me holding back, but I felt better than I had the night before. God was using me again and walking with me.

We got into our small groups and I found myself telling my story to the group....OOPS, i just did not want to tell the story, but I did. I monopolized the conversation, but the women wanted to know more and were lifting me up. I was able to teach, and use my story as an encouragement to the women in my small group.

Then the speaker talked about two things that really struck me:

1. She told us HOW to pray: Adoration; Confession; Supplication; Intercession; Thanksgiving. I felt a wow. DUH! I knew that feeling, but also a, Oh....I have been neglecting some of those areas, mainly Adoration, CONFESSION, and Intercession. I have been so busy asking for things for myself and family, and thanking him for the blessings he has given US that I have failed to Confess my sins, Praise/adore him, and Intercede for others. WOW! my prayer life was weak. This point was truly brought home to me when I "hoped" the pastor would not preach on prayer AGAIN this Sunday, and HE DID! He talked about the SAME subject the speaker at the conference did. If that is not an eye opening, mind boggling, God is trying to TEACH me something, smack in the face, wake-up call, I don't know what is.

So on Sunday afternoon I spent about an hour reading my a Bible Study. What was it about? PRIDE! OH MAN, he is showing me something else. MY PRIDE has kept me from praying like I should, OH Lord help me. Can I really handle being shown all of this at once....YES, he quietly whispers, just listen.

2. The Speaker at the conference also had us write down something that we needed to let go on a small sheet of paper, to write it down and then we took them outside and burned them........OH, was a feeling of release. (strangely enough one of the things I wrote down was PRIDE). I SO enjoyed watching my hurts go up in flames, no longer able to harm me. God has taken them and bore the imprisonment of my sins for me so I would not have to.

Now, fast forward to Monday morning.....I was able to PRACTICE the prayer style I learned the previous weekend. I sat down to begin my bible study again, and decided to start with prayer. Now usually this would be a quick pray for everything I have done my duty type of prayer, BUT not on Monday.  I found my self in complete worship while I prayed, I confessed my sins before a holy and righteous God, I asked him to forgive me, I prayed for others and really pictured them while I prayed, I let go of my jealous feelings that God might help them, but did not help me, and just allowed him to have full control of the situation. WOW! I will say it again, WOW! what an amazing release. I can feel the chains of bondage beginning to loosen from around me. (Another amazing thing because the study I am doing is Beth Moore, Breaking Free").

NOW, I am beginning to feel the spiritual attacks. Which tells me I am doing what God wants me to do. I do not feel the attacks from the inside of me (negative, ungodly thoughts) so much as external happenings. Little things that seem to be  going wrong, I believe Satan is trying to convince me to act in an ungodly way, to make a wrong move, to say something that would hurt another, or to keep those BAD feelings inside so they grow beyond what I can handle and again get me into bondage. I also see some attacks on those I hold dear to me. I have been praying for God's protection over them, but I have an underlying fear about what their disobedience may cause them to do.

Ultimately I pray for God to help them, to bring them back to him, and to obedience to Him, and a stronger understanding of what it means to follow Christ.

If your prayer life is lacking, take the time to say a heart felt prayer, Adore him, Confess to Him, Pray for yourself (supplication), pray for others (Intercession), and THANK him for all that he has done. Don't try to change your heart so that you can pray, PRAY to change your heart.

The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives, and release from darkness for the prisoners. Isiah 61:1

Wow! What and amazing promise, and commandment. The spirit of the Lord is on me.....the Lord has anointed ME to preach the good news to the poor. Why would he do such a thing? Why would God want a sinner like me to preach anything to anyone? Surely I am not good enough! BUT, the whole point of belief in Jesus Christ and following him is that you don't have to be GOOD enough. We can't be good enough. No matter what actions I do in my life I will never be GOOD enough to get myself into heaven. I am just a woman.

But to GOD, to my Lord I am His. His creation, his beloved daughter. He wants me to do well. He wants me to make choices to honor him, to pray and have a relationship with him. God is wonderful.That he would take me, or any of us and fix us, refine us, walk with us through the fire, so that on the other side of the flames, we know him MORE, that we GROW in our relationship with him.

The spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on ME (and you). because he has anointed me (AND YOU) to preach good news to the poor......to bind the broken hearted, and to proclaim freedom for the captives.....

In the last year, my testimony has grown, the events which have taken place in my life are truly horrific. The overwhelming loss in our family is unimaginable. Yet, our God has used every last bit of the sadness, and the loss for his Glory. I like to think that I had something to do with it. To believe that in some way it was because I chose to glorify him and to give it to him. But the truth of the matter is the events that we went through, the fire was intended for us as a way to grow us. God put it in my heart to react in the way that I did. He planned it out and KNEW how to bring me to a point in my relationship with him that I would respond the way I did.

Many people have told me that I have been so strong. NO I HAVE NOT! I have been so weak, terrified, hurt, lost, lonely, and sad. The strength that others claim to see in me is NOT of me....it is only from Our LOVING HEAVENLY Father. Only a  good caring God would work so hard to prepared my heart to receive the news we heard, less than a year ago, on November 14, 2008.

Yet, I received the news with dignity and managed to immediately give the situation to God. This was HIS will and he prepared me to do it prior to receiving it. I will leave the details of the events for another time. For now, just trust me that a family could have been pulled apart or strengthened, and God used the events to bring us closer together.

So my goal through writing blog is to preach the good news to the poor, to bind the brokenhearted (by proclaiming Gods word), to proclaim freedom for the captives, and release from darkness for the prisoners. This is the commandment God has given to me, and each of us (no matter who we are we all have a testimony and a story) to tell. I hope that each and every reader will learn something about themselves and God as the weeks and months go on.